there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
