In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
