she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
