Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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