I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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