I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
