matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
