I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
