Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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