In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
