There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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