She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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