remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
