You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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