just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
