Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
