At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
