So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
