Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
