Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
