I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize