knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
