i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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