Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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