He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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