I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
