Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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