Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
