Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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