i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
