it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
