my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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