if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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