I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
