Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
