Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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