A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My breath smells like gin and sadness
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
