Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
