She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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