I haven't been this sober since birth.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
