Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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