and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
