there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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