I just saw a hot homeless man
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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