My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
