I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
