I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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