I think my fart just growled at me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
