Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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