So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
