Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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