I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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