it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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