I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
