Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
