i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
