Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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