Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
