I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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