You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
is wine microwaveable?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
