ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
