You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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