you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
