so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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